Friday, July 5, 2013

The Real Moments of Life- Miscarriage

I usually like to keep things light and fun on the blog, but have been feeling strongly that I needed to share our story of miscarriage.  I know that miscarriages are not often talked about, but after going through this I wish I would have heard of others stories before it happened. Although it was still comforting to hear others experiences after going through ours. Let me start at the beginning. The hubs and I had been trying to get pregnant for a few months and once we found out we were pregnant we were so thrilled, I mean over the moon praising God hallelujah excited!!  We were going to have a Christmas baby and were due on Dec. 21st.  What is better than your baby sharing a b-day with Jesus??  Everything seemed like it was going well.  We excitedly told friends and family, I bloated horribly, and started craving any type of fruit you can imagine. We went through our prenatal class and scheduled our routine first appointment at 9 weeks.  Everything at the 9 week appointment went well the doctor said that my uterus was at the appropriate size, but slightly tilted back.  I felt so proud of my perfectly sized uterus :) The only issue with a tilted uterus is that it can be hard to hear the babies heartbeat that early with the handheld heart monitor ( I  have no idea what the technical term is).  So because we couldn't hear the heartbeat, we scheduled another appointment for the next week where they said if they still couldn't hear it we could get an ultrasound.  I left the appointment feeling good.  As the doctor and my mother and sister warned me a lot of times it is too early to hear the heartbeat with the hand held device.  So a week and a half later at about 11 weeks we went back to the doctor. Now there are a few things to note here, signs if you will.  I had started feeling really good again, absolutely no nausea, getting my energy back etc.  I even noted this more than once to people saying I felt guilty at how wonderful I was feeling.  Also, the night before as I was reading my nightly Jesus is Calling they talked about God being there for us during the best of times and the worst of times.  I specifically remember reading that evenings devotional praying that I was going to have the best of times the next morning.  I mean it was going to be the best, I was going to get to hear my beautiful babies heartbeat.  The hubs and I were excited, but always prayerfully cautious knowing full well that things can go wrong.  The appointment started out ok.  The doctor said she still couldn't hear the heart beat with the hand held device and also mentioned not being able to hear some sort of uterine follicles.  No idea what that meant, but she said it was no big deal and was able to quickly get us into an ultrasound.  The technician started the ultrasound and I think deep down I knew.  I grabbed the hubs hand tightly as he still was unaware. She started measuring things and on the screen I saw our beautiful baby, but didn't see what I thought I should be seeing, a small flutter. I started asking questions, "is that the baby" "shouldn't we see or hear a heartbeat"  and that is when she said the hardest thing I had heard.  "Heather, I am so sorry, but your baby does not have a heartbeat and looks to be measuring at 9 weeks."  My world crashed.  She left the room and my tears started to fall as the hubs held me tightly.  The next hour is a blur.  We talked to the doctor about our options and set-up a D&C for the next morning.  That was one of the hardest days I think we have experienced. The thought of only getting one more day with that precious baby in my stomach was heart wrenching, but I knew that our baby was already in Heaven. What a beautiful thing!!  Sharing the news with friends and family was so hard, but showed us how deeply loved we are by so many.  The procedure went well and I just wanted to keep busy, because stopping to think to much was just too hard. If I let my mind be blank it would fill itself with moments of what could have been.  We spent a lot of time talking, praying and sometimes just being.  Seeing or talking to new people was really difficult and still can be.  I would cry for a minute or two and then was able to compose myself and actually felt relief in sharing our story.  Many shared theirs with me as well.  The days are getting easier and I still cry from time to time, but I have learned sooo much.  First, I learned that so many woman have gone through this same experience and everyones story is different, but many are filled with Hope. Something that we learned in our prenatal class is that the reason that we miscarry babies is that chromosomes didn't match up and it is our bodies way of protecting both the baby and the parents from suffering once it is born.  Second, I have learned that my husband and I are so perfectly matched for each other.  I always knew this, but was reminded in each moment and every discussion. He was able to lift me up and protect me in just the ways I needed.  Lastly, I learned that life doesn't always happen how we expect it to, but we must trust that God has bigger and better plans for our life.  We might not always understand it, but we also aren't always supposed to.  Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart; and lean not on your own understanding.  In all of your ways acknowledge him and He will make your path straight." If this helps even one person that will go through this or has gone through this than sharing this has been worth it!  Thank you to everyone for all of your support and prayers.  We have honored our baby with a beautiful memorial stone in our garden to remind us of how precious life can be. 


  1. Big Hugs! Thinking of you Heather. I've been there too and can PROMISE you that things will get better and you will get that miracle baby in your arms! Between great doctors + God, you are in wonderful hands. I still will never quite understand why bad things happen to good people, but you are right, God does have a plan, even though sometimes he makes us take the winding, beaten path to get there! <3